forging dreams

I saw her before.  It was in a dream I turned into a story. I saw gentle eyes and a persistent smile, warmth in my soul reflected from hers.  I saw salvation not in a person but in connection.  I knew that life would be a long struggle, and the biggest ones were to come, I even got part of the name right.  I don't care whether it's coincidence or not.  I dream sporadically and it's often lost in my spacey mind.  A tangle of all I know, some I don't, and some I never will.  Deja vu could happen to you it's true.  Somewhere in reality those dreams form and it's no cause or fault of the brain, it is the possibility of existence.  I've learned that being alone is sometimes comforting, regardless of my situation.  There were times I sat in a little room or in a bunker picking my mind and found no answers to desperation, desolation and loneliness.  What I did find was a drive.  A drive to never be in those situations again if there were anything I could do about it.  I would shed my skin and become what I know I must to live, and live a life not devoted to others but devoted to what is good and helpful.  Happiness is a warm gun, as the steam rises off in the cold, I faced fears I didn't know I would ever have, and I lived.  Most of my friends did and I am thankful to the winds for that.  I only lost a few years, and faith in a relationship I foolishly went into very young.  I am cautious, but now my heart is bigger.  I don't know if I can love, I don't know if my mind will let me make those attachments, those bindings of potential loss.  I still trust someone who takes time to know me.  I don't know how much they gain from it, she gains from it, but I know I have that patience for her as well.  It's not my dream that I rely on to find love, it's a sign to myself long before trauma and pain, that even though I feel alone there will be a time that I will comforted in the light of connection. 

rasterized life forms

broken city with broken lyric
lines of lines dwelling in decay
machiavelli's voice drown burning urban remains
so scathed the wrong and deathly gallows humor
so spread the fear and white lie to self parody
and cast lines sticky with unholy stink
to catch the lost and swimming cadavers
ground to shape from twisting violence
the nature, the destructive motions of the abyss
a bullet can miss, a lover can kiss,
but no one can save you
if you won't save yourself

Target aqcuired
element expired
one rolling day into the next, another hump up a mountain
another window shatter, boom boom kind of town
my city of endless sleep,
my distant rocky core,
my dried up to the center stream
slipping down wall boulder holding incoming cling
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Protect and serve the hearts and minds
never leave a friend behind
never shoot to maim
protect investments
ingest anti-depressants
pretend it's worth it
should you die for something you don't fully know or understand
should you sign up to fight man
would i die happy or sad
what if this chance is the best chance the only chance for what I have, should I be buried with heavy bloody hands, that this protective nature demands, that which seems to be out of gods commands,
that which is the mirror of a universe in which change is king
survival of the meanest, the cleanest, well fed, protected head, ready to die, and scared to death to lose an inch
the army's on ambien so they say
mefloquine
zanex, zoloft lets go hey hey!
red bull standing guard for days!
Thanks to all my fighting, terrorism will just go away
broken city broken lyric
broke and I can't play